She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
