i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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