Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
