just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
