M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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