Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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