when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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