OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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