You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Still dying that you shit outside
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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