i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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