you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
sex in a hospital.. check
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
