I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
