and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
