we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
