i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
