your room smells of hookers.
And success
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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