She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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