i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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