I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
