i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
