Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
