last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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