oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
