Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
And then he peed in my hair
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