I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
