Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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