the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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