so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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