"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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