SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
