im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Everclear isn't food dammit
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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