Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
