Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
