I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
