True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
