soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
