I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
