I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
