And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
