Walk of Shame. In a state park.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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