Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
