He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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