I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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