just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
