it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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