who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
