1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
