Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
