Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
