my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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