I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
