Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
