We named our party play list daddy issues
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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