my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize