Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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