I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
